You're my little dorito
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
