Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
