Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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