the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
