I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
