just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
