i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
