Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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