I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
