Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
