The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
