My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
