I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
We were destined to go to rehab together
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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