It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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