I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
