Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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