it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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