Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
