Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
