I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Randomize
