I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Randomize
