Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
sex in a hospital.. check
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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