We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
cat food counts as protein by the way
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
