Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
