i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
