Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
