How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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