I met the friendliest cop last night
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
