I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
