she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
