Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Congratulations! We have a period
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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