I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
