I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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