hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
