Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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