I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
