i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
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