I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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