You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
