OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
did i walk over a car last night?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize
