Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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