Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
