How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
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