Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
