I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
