Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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