I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
The beers last night were like the tears from god
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
