i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
