If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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