Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
