i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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