Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Even my vagina gasped.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
