We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
