I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
