I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Hippo gnu deer
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
