He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
