I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
