i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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