I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize