I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You dont lie about slip and slides
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize