You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
They took my balls.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
