so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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