I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
