you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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