Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
