Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
