Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
