Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize