The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
