my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
