It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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