I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
