I am puke
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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